Passion, emotion and whatever I damn feel like

Is it just me or have we become more emotionally detached?

I’m really tired of being made fun of, even in the most lighthearted situations, because I feel like I no longer know anyone’s true intentions. Why is that just I, or anyone else for that matter, have to be sacrificed for a “funny” joke?

Just before the summer started, I feel like I for once know where I have people around me. I have friends that I know will always be there for me, that I know love me for who I am. But then, there are those. There are those who are only there when it suits them, that are only willing to help when they have something to gain from it themselves.

They also joke about how “unemotional” they are. That they have no feelings, that they never cry or aren’t passionate about anything. There are of course people who are more private, that don’t like to talk about their feelings and would rather keep it to themselves. But in this case, it makes me question – am I just an accessory? Let me explain this.

A few weeks after Christmas, my mum told me that my childhood friend has been suffering from depression, without telling her parents or her closest family. I, of course, was very upset about this, not being able to do anything about it because first, I wasn’t supposed to know about this and second, because I live about 2000 km away from her. I wanted to talk about this with someone, so I told my so-called closest friend. Of course you don’t expect them to know exactly how you feel, but you at least expect them to TRY and make you feel better – it’s what friends do. Instead, this “friend” giggled slightly and said: “You know I’m bad at this, I don’t know how to make people feel better. I have no feelings”. This really upset me, almost more than the whole depression-situation itself. This was the last thing I wanted to hear. I wanted her to give me a hug and say “don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine”. I felt like she mocked me, and just made fun of me for being sad about my friend. To add to this, this friend told our other friend about the situation. She didn’t tell her that I was sad and needed someone to comfort me. No, she laughed and told it as a joke because SHE could not make me feel better, because it was obviously hilarious that she had no feelings. The other friend laughed. And I felt like a joke.

This is just one example, but this happens often. There are essentially three “friends” that treat me like this, the two above already mentioned. They have made me feel bad about “having feelings”, or more specifically, showing my feelings.

I despise pessimism and negativity. Of course you can’t always be a delightful ray of sunshine, but constantly seeing the bad in people and always identifying the negatives of a situation, irritates me more than anything and if I’m not wrong, doing this won’t ever get you anywhere. One of the people specifically, brings everyone down. I once jokingly said: ‘don’t be so pessimistic’, to which this person responded: ‘well I fucking hate your enthusiasm’. She had no right to insult me for being passionate about the things we were talking about. And she had no right to insult me for simply being happy in that moment.

This, I feel, shows the overall response that I get from these people. Whenever I am passionate about something or I am happy about anything, they have a tendency to bring me down. They usually never feel happy for me and sometimes ‘happiness’ becomes a game or a competition to them.

I still consider these people my friends, because they have done good things for me and I know that they don’t always mean to hurt me. I think it is partially a cultural barrier or a cultural difference, but I also think that I have become somewhat excluded from them socially and emotionally. Again, it makes me feel like an accessory. Or even just like a victim for their “unemotional” banter.

It is also difficult because we go to the same school, which in addition, is quite a small school. I don’t want to “dump” these friends, because drama is unnecessary and it will stir things up that I would like to avoid in my last year of high school. But I know where I have them. I know these are friends I cannot trust to 100% and I know that I can focus most of my energy and time on friends that I love. This will also be difficult, because one of my best friends is friends with these people that bring me down. I don’t know if she feels the same as me about them. But I have a feeling it will all work out.

These friends have changed me. They have made me more self-conscious and I almost feel embarrassed to share what I truly believe and feel. In senior year I am going to ignore their negative opinions because I now know where I have them and perhaps I will even learn to question their true intentions.

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